Who am I? A journalist who works for a major metropolitan newspaper. I have come to review music and live performances on an almost daily basis and write the occasional inane web column. The following is the latter. If you have recommendations or want to be reviewed once A&SB gets going at full strength, reach me @ bassey@airandseabattle.com.

Nobody ever really wants to watch a judge show, but you know the scenario all too well. You’re sitting around at home all day downing some leftover codeine and eating Cheetos when all that’s on is crappy infomercials, professional bowling reruns and some defendant with horse hair extensions explaining to the court that she made a verbal agreement with her roommate that she wouldn’t have to pay any rent for 6 months.

So after you order that Hawaii chair, got about a dozen highly qualified TV judges staring you in the face. But which one do you watch? Fear no longer, because Air & Sea Battle is the only judge fit to review the TV courtroom multiverse (you can thank us later).

Of course, the most critical skill for any sleazy talk show host is what I call “The Wilkos Quotient,” or the ability to suspend the reality that your show is a disgrace to humanity. If you’re not familiar, former “Jerry Springer Show” bodyguard Steve Wilkos hosts a show where he dredges up pathetic malcontents from the local trailer park and yells at them for an hour to the mock concern and genuine bemusement of his studio audience. He totally used to be a cop though, so it’s okay.

Indeed, the scientific evidence proves that we can rate TV judge programs based on Steve Wilkos’ innate material characteristics.

First, measure the self-righteousness of the Judge’s indignation from 1-10.

“How dare you do this to your child!” is fine. “How dare you do this to society!” is a cut above. “How dare you inflict my pristine ears with your despicable life story!” is pure Wilkos.

Next, rate the judge’s ability to suspend the reality that the worst crime committed was exposing loved ones on national TV for a free trip to Los Angeles. This is always 5/5, because if any of these judges asks why the nation’s barber shops should laugh at the plaintiff’s misery, the courtroom multiverse would collapse on itself.

Finally, our Wilkos Quotient formula is anchored by what some mathematicians might theoretically call the “condescension index.” Yeah, we all know you judges are better than these poor saps. After all, you’re living the dream of telling that to a national audience of half-asleep losers who have abandoned all hope of finding the remote. (Please don’t ask how I know.) But can you refresh our memories every two minutes by being a complete dick about it? If so, you can tie Steve Wilkos with a 10.

Now to the serious business – Let’s rank some daytime TV!

DIVORCE COURT: Hosted by the always pleasant and not smelly Judge Mablean Ephriam, the show begins with a long story about why the couple got divorced. (Insert: He was never around so I cheated on his fool ass OR she never wanted sex so I cheated on her prude ass.) Yeah, you get your fair share of juicy stories, but what’s with Judge Mablean pretending she actually wants to help these people? Frankly, it sickens me, plus it totally hurts her in the self-righteousness index.  18/25

MORAL COURT: This canceled show used a judge and all, but he would only award damages for being morally “Wrong, offensive or outrageous” Note to Judge Larry Elder: next time yell more. Alternatively, don’t host such a crappy show… oh wait… 5/25

TEXAS JUSTICE: In the immortal words of Judge Larry Joe, “Did you know that in Lefors, Texas, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing?” Oh, it’s true. Also, apparently “there was a time in Texas when stealing a man’s horse was a hanging offense.” If only we could return to the days of yore where southern vigilantes brought out the noose for minor offenses! That totally wouldn’t have any kind of negative effect on relations between certain groups of people and certain paler groups of other people - especially in Louisiana

Anyways, like we say back in Wisconsin: You can’t bathe smelly French cheese in whole milk and call it sharp Cheddar. And you can’t trick me into watching a boring judge show by dressing it in 2-bit Texan slang. 13/25

JUDGE JUDY: The original, the cream of the crop, the woman who leaves all young boys who went to Catholic school afraid and slightly aroused (you know what I’m talking about). She honestly doesn’t give a damn about your life story, just give her the information and get the hell out of there. Plus, she seems to have a genuine hate for everyone in her courtroom that just can’t be faked.  Judge Judy is a both the the soup Nazi and Dr. House of TV judges. God bless her cold, dead heart. 25/25

JUDGE MATHIS: In the words of that fat guy who tells the crowd on Jerry Springer funny things to chant - Go To Oprah! 5/25

JUDGE JOE BROWN: This guy is the ranch sauce to Judge Judy’s hot wing. But don’t think you can pull one over on my boy Joe, because he lives for embarrassing the broke and/or stupid on national TV with timely slang that gives even the most uptight beauty parlor a case of the giggles. His score may be lower than Judy’s, but on a pleasant fall afternoon with a broken leg, is there really anything better than spending some time with Ol’Joe? Bonus points for being awesomely mustachioed. 23/25

JUDGE HACKETT: According to The Onion, Hackett had a 2005 case overturned by Judge Joe Brown.  14/25

FAMILY COURT WITH JUDGE PENNY: What the heck is the “CW” ???/25

In summation, this comprehinsiveish study has been peer reviewed by the Debiaks and published in a major online media journal with the recommendation that patients who really, really don’t want to go outside should watch Judge Judy and then think about going outside some more and then watch an episode of Joe Brown and then take a nap.