I know it’s been a little while now, but an event this monumental for our generation takes some time to sink in. After an era of corporate cronyism, inept leadership and a stunning lack of regard for the English language, MTV’s Total Request Live has finally come to a close.

At last, the pain has dulled to a point where I can talk with myself about it. Don’t tell this guy, but it’s time for Challenging Opponent.

Yasseb: Oh, I can hear it now. You and the millions of other hipsters around 20 years old who pretend like you’ve never watched TRL or liked any Backstreet Boys songs. You’re all singing to the heavens: Thank God, its over! Music will finally be pure and free of tenniebopper influence! But I know what you’re really thinking.

Bassey: What am I really thinking?

Yasseb: How will you know what’s popular?

Bassey: Why does it matter what’s popular?  We all know that show was MTV’s used car lot.
They would do a little survey for the industry about what songs are popular in the key demographic, play said song for 30 seconds to one minute, promote their latest crappy movie about fart and anal sex jokes, use some cheap douchebag to interview more expensive douchebags and clip in a bunch of little girls screaming about seeing Carson Daly’s ass.

Yasseb: Wow.

Bassey: I know, pretty good points right?

Yasseb: No, its just that you know more about that show than anyone I’ve ever met. Answer me this: Who introduced you to Eminem?

Bassey: Hey, I didn’t even like that first song. And now he sucks!

Yasseb: Who introduced you to him!?

Bassey: TRL.

Yasseb: That’s right. And you needed TRL, face it, you couldn’t have been cool in middle school without it.

Bassey: Oh yeah, all the boys totally got popular in school by listening to boy bands and Papa Roach.

Yasseb: No! You needed TRL to tell you what to hate, who to loathe, they gave you establishment targets to direct your teenage rage at the system. And deep down, you wonder whether all that’s evil will ever again put such a big target on it’s back, or whether it will seep into your daily life and todays teenagers’ daily lives without even realizing it.

Bassey: Wow.
Yasseb: I know, thanks.

Bassey: No, you’re a paranoid freak. I don’t care whether an artist has corporate backing or not, so long as the music is good. You know why I’m glad that show is gone? Because playing a top 10 countdown with 30 second video clips of overproduced tripe filled with half-naked women to attract the insecure preteen girl/horny pre-teen boy vote does is a disservice to music and all art. Thank God TRL is dead because even the last thin strand of MTV’s connection to the words ‘music television’ has been cut, thank God we won’t see any more Ja Rule comeback attempts, thank God the idea of the host as a screaming, good looking, incompetent Ambercrombie employee is dead…

Yasseb: Um, have you seen MTV2?

Bassey: Oh yeah.

Yasseb: The dark side of music is still out there, it’s just changed tactics, its waging a guerrilla war against good taste. Just because you don’t see their aircraft carrier anymore doesn’t mean they’ve retreated.

Bassey: Hmm…

Yasseb: Plus you secretly liked the show.

Bassey: Come on!

Yasseb: Face it! It was like a carnival gone wrong, the sick grotesque figures dancing and yelling around their golden calf, worshipping their ego-mass in a sea of buttons, stickers, terrible noise and worse hosts. You had fun with it, and like your one-time obsession with Yellowcard, sometimes you played along.

Bassey: Now that’s a cheap shot. Just because I watched it once or twice doesn’t mean I’m sad to see it go. And don’t even try to tell me that video for 50 Cent’s “In da Club” wasn’t hot when it came out.

Yasseb: You never admit you’re wrong! I hate arguing with stubborn, self-righteous jerks. You should be ashamed to consider yourself

Bassey, Yasseb: A Challenging Opponent.