Still, there are musical performances by famous people who perform music, and awards are handed out. So in the spirit of precise and meaningless award-giving–the Grammys purpose for being–I present you with the The Viewing Awards, Grammy Edition.

Earliest Reminder that the Grammys Have a Much Older Demographic than the VMAs
Lady Gaga’s bloodless opening performance

Worst Attempt by Stephen Colbert to Make Jay-Z Crack A Smile
“What up, Z?”

Best Attempt by Stephen Colbert to Make Jay-Z Crack a Smile
“Oh, did you not get one of these?” After pulling an iPad out of his suit jacket

Ugliest Dress Ever in the History of Dresses
Kristen Bell in a mock turtleneck dress with a triangle neckline cut out

Best Marriage of 1996 + 2010
Beyonce performing Alanis Morrisette

Most Awkward Presenting Pair
A darling Norah Jones and a drunk Ringo Starr

Most Charming Presenting Pair
A delightfully bantering Mos Def and Placido Domingo

Most Hilariously Pubescent Presenting Pair
An unable to hold his shit together Justin Bieber and Ke$ha

Most Off-Putting Plug of the Night
Lionel Richie mentioning that This Is It is out on DVD while kicking off the Michael Jackson Tribute

Best Crowd Shot of the Night
Beyonce rocking out in her 3D Glasses During the MJ Tribute

Most Banal Crowd Shot of the Night
Rihanna stoically watching the MJ tribute in her 3D glasses

Biggest Regret of the Night
My not picking up 3D glasses for this performance

Most Strangely Toned Down Performance Between a Pop Star and a Member of Fleetwood Mac
Taylor Swift’s and Stevie Nicks’ stilted duet

Best non-Grammys Moment of the Night
Me briefly switching the Pro Bowl and seeing Peyton Manning and Drew Brees tensely being interviewed together

Most Likely to Make Me Say “Shut Up!” Aloud Simply Because They Are On Screen
4-way tie between Pink, Miley Cyrus, the Black-Eyed Peas and Quentin Tarantino

Best Moment of the Broadcast
Taylor Swift finishing her Album of the Year acceptance speech at 11:27 and me getting to go to bed 3 minutes early

And with that my friends, the crankiest rendition of The Viewer Awards is complete. You can find the real winners here, and I promise I’ll be in a much better mood for The Oscars.

I mean, I’m not going to lie, if you don’t already know what new music you want to listen to, you are just straight-up lazy.

But in case you are lazy AND singularly devoted to us, starting today and each week until I stop doing it, I will cut you off some wheat from the auto-blog chaff. (Unless you have a gluten thing, too, in which case I think we should see other people.)

Today I will order your selections by the complexity of their carbohydrates:

Hibernation-Grade: Fink – This is the Thing
Listen
Apparently I have a thing for European guitarists, because once again the thing that starched my heart-collar today was this. The lyrics are vapid singer/songwriter whatever, but there is direction and twisting and suspense in the chords, instead of vague strumming, so this wins.

Somewhere Between Breadstick and Fruit Snack: Alex Metric – It Starts (Primary 1 Remix)

Listen
I am old and only slightly less lazier than you and have no idea what an Alex Metric (name sounds so uncreatively narcissistic it has to be faux-ironic) or a Primary 1 is, but these sweet synths seemed like they maybe they would like some tea and Fink (they certainly have the repeating-meaningless-line-ad-infinium thing in common). All I know is, the non-remix is pure teenage corn syrup and will not be going in our tea, that’s for sure.

Aspartame with a side of Olestra: BonoJay-ZThe EdgeRihanna – TELLING YOU HOW MUCH THEY REALLY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FOND OF HAITI

Also, terrible, awkward French. No link, just do the right thing without bad (or good, really) musical incentive and donate directly here or here or, heck, even to Wyclef’s CASH4GOLD4HAITI fund instead. (Just don’t listen to his song, either.)

$0 Download

By Andrew Bates – A&SB Contributor

Mashups aren’t anything new to the world of music, but rarely do we get to hear a truly well produced and well crafted set of songs. In the case of Viva La Hova, Terry Urban and Mick Boogie do a fantastic job showcasing some of the best songs from Jay Z’s library to date, by meshing them with the smooth sounds of Coldplay. The result is undeniable satisfaction resonating through the listener’s earlobes.

Viva La Hova is a collection of twenty mashups, several produced by Boogie and Urban, and the work they do here is fun to dive into. Things get moving quickly with “Public Speeding” as Jay-Z’s infectious beats chime in with the introductory lines “Allow me to re-introduce myself/ My name is Hov’, OH, H-to-the-O-V/ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z/ I guess even back then you can call me/ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov’!”

The chorus to this mashup is reserved for the distinct vocal prowess of Chris Martin as the Coldplay song “Higher Speed” takes off in the chorus. While a strong start, the sounds only get stronger.

“Never Changing” “Lost part 1″ and “Science Is Ignorant” are standout tracks on Hova, and these few seem to work the best lyrically and musically. For some reason, Coldplay’s guitar work sounds even better when it surrounds the right hooks and jabs from Jay-Z’s lyrical boxing match where the listener goes down swinging more often than not. This is due to a simple collection of sounds overpowering the ears to the point of pure rock/rap bliss.

Urban and Boogie take mashups to a level where a brand new song is created. The only true collaborations on the mix are “Lost part 1″ and “Beach Chair” both produced by Coldplay. On a relevant note, most of the tracks here are done by several producers recruited by Boogie and Urban (nVMe, The Amps, 9th Wonder to name a few). One of the better tracks on this album is towards the end, called “Take The Hill” by nVMe, a relatively unknown underground producer. Coldplay’s guitar work here really packs a punch when coupled with Jay-Z’s lyrics from “The Takeover.”

Perhaps the most appealing element of Hova is seeing well loved classics from both parties molded into something so refreshingly smooth that it makes the listener wish Coldplay and Jay Z would collaborate more often so we don’t have to settle for these gloriously delicious mashups. I suppose it’s not so bad to settle every now and then.

Mixes used:
Intro (Various Songs)
Public Speeding (High Speed + Public Service Announcement)
Know My Place (U Don’t Know + In My Place)
Never Changing (Never Change + Never Change)
Miss Trouble (Excuse Me Miss + Trouble)
Back At My Place (Back Then + In My Place)
No Love Coming Home (Homecoming + Ain’t No Love)
A Spy’s Prayer (Spies + Pray)
Science Is Ignorant (The Scientist + Ignorant Sh*t)
The Reverse Fix (The Bounce + The Fix)
Hola Blanco (Hola Hovito + White Shadows)
Take The Hill (Takeover + Violet Hill)
Lost Part 2 (Momma Loves Me + Lost – Import Mix)
Cold Success (Success + Lost – Import Mix)
What If We Cry? (What If + Song Cry)
Falling In Shadows (Fallin’ + White Shadows)
Life of Clocks (Clocks + Party Life)
X-Y-Z (No Hook + X&Y)

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Album downloads slower than an elephant running through molasses on a cool summer day with a sprained ankle (Maybe they should have released it through A&SB It’s totally worth it though. Trust us.

According to The Boy Genius (and other reliable sources) it looks like Jay-Z and Apple will be teaming up on some sort of yet to be announced record label. Jay-Z previously was the man behind the desk at Def-Jam until last month when he decided to step down and pursue other interests…. hmmm… How will this deal be structured? Will Jay-Z simply be ON the label or running it? Why is Apple making this type of jump into music? We saw Starbucks do something similar earlier this year… I guess if you build a strong enough brand you can sell shit to pretty much anyone. Our goal with Air & Sea Battle is to build a strong enough following to sell little gadgets that play MP3 files! Don’t steal our idea… I’m curious to see if these rumors are true and would love to see how this pans out. It could be an incredible thing or it could be Apple’s way of jumping the shark.