WATCH FIRST (Maybe even when it airs. Like right at 8:00. WITH the commercials. Crazy, right?): Community

I absolutely adore Community with every ounce of my being, and last week’s episode was no exception. The fact that this show constantly invokes traditional sitcom tropes (Jeff and Britta ridiculously scheming to keep Annie away from mini-nippled Vaughn) and then subverts them so casually and hilariously is what makes this show so great. The awkward coupling of various characters is what usually destroys ensemble sitcoms, and the wonderful scene towards the end of the ep when the entire cast sits around sizing one another up as potential sexual partners was a great send up of that. And is why I have faith that tonight’s Valentine’s Day themed installment “Communication Studies” will be equally awesome. Plus in the preview, Greendale’s Human Being mascot has been repurposed as the “Cupid Being,” which is creepily delightful.

WATCH SECOND (But later. Fast forward through those commercials, and don’t be mad at me if I was wrong about this!): 30 Rock

I’m going out on a limb here for my favorite lady Tina because last week’s episode was pretty bad. With its trite plots–Kenneth annoys Pete while he tries to get some peace, Liz and Frank team together to battle cigarette and junk food addictions, Jack teaches Jenna on how to deal with her crazy mother–barely any Tracy antics, no Grizz, and no Dotcom, this episode was just…meh. However I know redemption will come tonight in the form of Jon Hamm’s guest-turn as Liz’s former flame Dr. Drew Baird. Plus Liz’s other ex-boyfriends Floyd and Dennis, who is always good for a laugh, will be popping up. Oh but also JON HAMM. And did I mention Jon Hamm? Don’t Lemon this one up, Fey.

WATCH THIRD (And repeatedly. I’m sure it will be funny. And it will be on the internet for your viewing convenience): Parks & Recreation

One of the things I like best about this show is that it doesn’t have to create convoluted circumstances to get the characters together outside of the main Parks office setting. It made sense last week the way the majority of the cast wound up helping Tom move, whether it was him forcing Mark so they could use Mark’s truck; Donna, Jerry, and Andy willingly volunteering, or April getting involved just to hang out with Andy. (And while we’re on the subject, enough with drawing out this April/Andy flirtation and turning it into some kind of conflict. Can they just make out tonight? Please?) So I’m sure tonight’s show will be all about the romantic misadventures of our favorite Pawnee residents, and will definitely not take place at the usual work setting. But obviously, I won’t care and whatever shenanigans Leslie gets herself into will be spectacular.

WATCH LAST (If ever. Because this show is losing steam and you probably still need to buy your loved one and/or Grandmother a Valentine’s Day present): The Office

Okay, I kind of take that back because tonight’s episode was written by Mindy Kaling, who brought the world the HILARIOUS and best-episode-EVER contender, “The Injury,” so I have hope. (Oh, and in case you forgot, it’s the one where Michael steps on his George Foreman.) A little, tiny glimmer of hope because I don’t know how many more Michael Scott machinations this show–and my brain–can really withstand. And this episode is sure to deliver many, as the new Sabre CEO (Kathy Bates) has to demote either Michael or Jim back to sales since the branch only needs one manager. While it would be awesome if Jim became manager and Michael was relegated back to the sales pool for the remainder of the series, I seriously doubt it will happen.

Whether it’s the lame, hackneyed writing, painfully forced pop culture references or the predictable, predictable plots – this show is the bane of television.

As advertised, this is a blog that promotes positivity. And the most positive thing that could ever happen to television is for the remaining tapes to be mysteriously lost in a tire fire or shot into the Sun.

Believe me, if you haven’t watched this show, don’t. Research suggests Lie To Me’s characters are archetypes of other TV drama archetypes. (And this is coming from a guy who watches Bones.)

Oh, yes. A twist! He has to work with his ex-wife! And what do you know, she’s got him a little on edge, but that hot cougar still has some feelings for our supergenius hero, doesn’t she? Their spunky daughter sure thinks so.

But goddamn it, it’s a good cast, Led by Tom Roth and Kelli Williams, so you might actually get through an episode. If only to see a group of talented professionals make miraculous attempts to save truly horrific material.

Frank Caliendo, the “man of a thousand voices,” returns with another season of Frank TV – the sketch comedy celebrity parody show that YouTube built. Unless you’re a baby boomer stagnating in suburbia or the child of such a middle-ager who is forced into quantity family time, this show isn’t for you. Filling the void of clean, politically correct comedy in the vein of The Wayne Brady Show, Frank TV doesn’t innovate or bring anything new to the table. In fact, it is solely based around more bad impressions of James Gandolfini and George W. Bush. Admittedly, some of the impressions are decent (like Charles Barkley), but some are just awful (like Yoda). Joining Caliendo this season are a pair of paltry performers, a safe white guy and a safer black guy who also do impressions. Though bastardizing pop culture references left and right, the gang still stays in the safe zone of bland inoffensiveness. The canned laughter played throughout even turns into cheesy stunned silence when a way-too-skinny Samuel L. Jackson commits a minor act of violence. Getting stoned wouldn’t make this show funny. For the daring, Frank TV premieres October 21st on TBS.

THE FRANK TV HOMEPAGE

Nobody ever really wants to watch a judge show, but you know the scenario all too well. You’re sitting around at home all day downing some leftover codeine and eating Cheetos when all that’s on is crappy infomercials, professional bowling reruns and some defendant with horse hair extensions explaining to the court that she made a verbal agreement with her roommate that she wouldn’t have to pay any rent for 6 months.

So after you order that Hawaii chair, got about a dozen highly qualified TV judges staring you in the face. But which one do you watch? Fear no longer, because Air & Sea Battle is the only judge fit to review the TV courtroom multiverse (you can thank us later).

Of course, the most critical skill for any sleazy talk show host is what I call “The Wilkos Quotient,” or the ability to suspend the reality that your show is a disgrace to humanity. If you’re not familiar, former “Jerry Springer Show” bodyguard Steve Wilkos hosts a show where he dredges up pathetic malcontents from the local trailer park and yells at them for an hour to the mock concern and genuine bemusement of his studio audience. He totally used to be a cop though, so it’s okay.

Indeed, the scientific evidence proves that we can rate TV judge programs based on Steve Wilkos’ innate material characteristics.

First, measure the self-righteousness of the Judge’s indignation from 1-10.

“How dare you do this to your child!” is fine. “How dare you do this to society!” is a cut above. “How dare you inflict my pristine ears with your despicable life story!” is pure Wilkos.

Next, rate the judge’s ability to suspend the reality that the worst crime committed was exposing loved ones on national TV for a free trip to Los Angeles. This is always 5/5, because if any of these judges asks why the nation’s barber shops should laugh at the plaintiff’s misery, the courtroom multiverse would collapse on itself.

Finally, our Wilkos Quotient formula is anchored by what some mathematicians might theoretically call the “condescension index.” Yeah, we all know you judges are better than these poor saps. After all, you’re living the dream of telling that to a national audience of half-asleep losers who have abandoned all hope of finding the remote. (Please don’t ask how I know.) But can you refresh our memories every two minutes by being a complete dick about it? If so, you can tie Steve Wilkos with a 10.

Now to the serious business – Let’s rank some daytime TV!

DIVORCE COURT: Hosted by the always pleasant and not smelly Judge Mablean Ephriam, the show begins with a long story about why the couple got divorced. (Insert: He was never around so I cheated on his fool ass OR she never wanted sex so I cheated on her prude ass.) Yeah, you get your fair share of juicy stories, but what’s with Judge Mablean pretending she actually wants to help these people? Frankly, it sickens me, plus it totally hurts her in the self-righteousness index.  18/25

MORAL COURT: This canceled show used a judge and all, but he would only award damages for being morally “Wrong, offensive or outrageous” Note to Judge Larry Elder: next time yell more. Alternatively, don’t host such a crappy show… oh wait… 5/25

TEXAS JUSTICE: In the immortal words of Judge Larry Joe, “Did you know that in Lefors, Texas, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing?” Oh, it’s true. Also, apparently “there was a time in Texas when stealing a man’s horse was a hanging offense.” If only we could return to the days of yore where southern vigilantes brought out the noose for minor offenses! That totally wouldn’t have any kind of negative effect on relations between certain groups of people and certain paler groups of other people – especially in Louisiana

Anyways, like we say back in Wisconsin: You can’t bathe smelly French cheese in whole milk and call it sharp Cheddar. And you can’t trick me into watching a boring judge show by dressing it in 2-bit Texan slang. 13/25

JUDGE JUDY: The original, the cream of the crop, the woman who leaves all young boys who went to Catholic school afraid and slightly aroused (you know what I’m talking about). She honestly doesn’t give a damn about your life story, just give her the information and get the hell out of there. Plus, she seems to have a genuine hate for everyone in her courtroom that just can’t be faked.  Judge Judy is a both the the soup Nazi and Dr. House of TV judges. God bless her cold, dead heart. 25/25

JUDGE MATHIS: In the words of that fat guy who tells the crowd on Jerry Springer funny things to chant – Go To Oprah! 5/25

JUDGE JOE BROWN: This guy is the ranch sauce to Judge Judy’s hot wing. But don’t think you can pull one over on my boy Joe, because he lives for embarrassing the broke and/or stupid on national TV with timely slang that gives even the most uptight beauty parlor a case of the giggles. His score may be lower than Judy’s, but on a pleasant fall afternoon with a broken leg, is there really anything better than spending some time with Ol’Joe? Bonus points for being awesomely mustachioed. 23/25

JUDGE HACKETT: According to The Onion, Hackett had a 2005 case overturned by Judge Joe Brown.  14/25

FAMILY COURT WITH JUDGE PENNY: What the heck is the “CW” ???/25

In summation, this comprehinsiveish study has been peer reviewed by the Debiaks and published in a major online media journal with the recommendation that patients who really, really don’t want to go outside should watch Judge Judy and then think about going outside some more and then watch an episode of Joe Brown and then take a nap.