The Food Network – Holy Chefs and Shticky Hacks

by Alex Truong – A&SB Contributor

Winter break boredom is a constant for me upon any return home. My Asian parents frown upon drinking and I am forced to either languish at home or venture into the cold and languish outside. Lazing about and enjoying the no study zone that is my home has become my main preoccupation here, and the flurry coming down outside as I sit down to write this column means that I’ll be continuing the sitting around and doing nothing for at least seven hours, if not all day.

It’s not so bad. My cheapness on campus expresses itself in a lack of cable television, and so I can sit back and pretend to relax as I enjoy the novelty of syndicated afternoon programming. One place my channel-changer not surprisingly always ends up is the Food Network. Though a channel that would seemingly be a foodie’s dream, I have some big problems with the culinary entertainment monolith. There’s this ugly underbelly that exploits the entertainment part of food entertainment.

So, as a courteous service to you, reader, I have compiled a list of all the props that need handing out and all the grievances that need to be aired (even though Festivus is over, we’re doing it anyways) so that everyone can avoid ever thinking that sitting through an hour of some portly man with crazy hair making chicken egg rolls is a good idea again.

Alton Brown is most famous for being the host of Good Eats and is also on the top of my list of props-recipients. He serves a number of roles in Food Network, commentating on Iron Chef America and hosting a couple miniseries regarding travel across America in search of Dive food and purely American classics.

Mr. Brown’s credit to food entertainment is all in the approach. “Good Eats,” is informative and interesting show that often probes the chemistry and science behind the process of cooking. The show informed on every aspect of cooking at home, from the quality of appliances to the valid reasons behind baking at a specific temperature or what to look for in the texture of pre-cooked squid. His commentating on “Iron Chef America” is reserved, entertaining, and knowledgeable. We can’t all be as thorough as Brown, though, and sometimes we can’t even come close to the level of respect he gives to his audience and to his craft. There are always exceptions to the rule, and some successful chefs can be the yang to Brown’s yin.

Take Bobby Flay, for example, who sucks. He is a cocky, arrogant prick with no value of tradition and instead informs his own food philosophy by putting the weird and ridiculous twists he employs on classic dishes up on a pedestal (which is probably shaped like a phallus, because that’s how much of a prick he is). He’s been everywhere on Food network since 1996, at first hosting his own cooking shows “The Main Ingredient with Bobby Flay,” and “Hot Off the Grill with Bobby Flay.” A number of shows and specials have followed, with two noteworthy occurrences especially garnering my disdain.

In his 1997 loss to Masaharu Morimoto, Flay stood on top of his cutting board and counter while celebrating the early completion of his dishes. His lack of respect and downright hubris lost him that battle, and it all translates to own of his more recent shows, Throwdown! With Bobby Flay where he travels the country pretending to do television specials highlighting local dishes of notoriety only to sandbag the creators of these dishes (people who have ostensibly given large portions of their lives to the perfection of a single dish) with a competition that usually results in Flay tweaking the recipe of a classic dish like meatloaf (generally with spice or fruit or both) and wasting everyone’s time. It is not as satisfying as one would think when Flay loses. My recommendation is to stay away.

Speaking of disdain, Sandra Lee is the host of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee and some sour grapes go to her for what is basically a program pandering to lazy suburban housewives drinking things like Fresca and vodka margaritas and making Apple Betties using canned pie filling and oatmeal packets. Perhaps it’s the bleached blonde hair (check out her roots) and her ritual of matching tablescapes to the theme of the meal, but perhaps it’s the guilt I feel when watching Sandra Lee. The things she cooks up are truly semi-homemade, and that leads to a cutting of corners that is unsettling at best. It is kind of strange to see a professional television personality and author of several cookbooks using things from a can or freezer, and what she represents is so much worse.

My main qualm with Sandra Lee is that there seems to be no love in her cooking-it’s just hastily thrown together dishes using time-saving measures that make me doubt the TLC mothers across America should be putting into the meals for their children. Sandra Lee grew up as a surrogate mother for her younger siblings when her parents divorced. So much cooking experience should have lead to better chops in the kitchen. Call me old fashioned, or even call me a misogynist and a womanizer, but I don’t understand how a woman who has had to struggle through so much adversity could be so lazy. Besides, a mother that painstakingly makes an apple pie for her children will be able to savor the guilt trip she puts them on later for being total ingrates that much more.

Putting Sandra Lee’s hang-ups on trying aside, there’s always a Jedi to the proverbial Sith. The Jedi to Sandra Lee’s reprehensible Darth Sidious is Giada De Laurentiis, an Italian woman who happens to be, well, super hot. Admittedly, both Sandra Lee and Giada De Laurentiis are attractive ladies. This is a food column, though, not Page Six, and so what attracts me to Giada is the enthusiasm and giddy excitement she exudes while preparing meals. Giada is the host of “Everyday Italian,” “Behind the Bash,” and “Giada’s Weekend Getaways.” Giada brings a particularly appealing attitude toward food, as she seems to be always having fun while cooking.

Gauging food entertainment personalities is completely about perspective. If a chef doesn’t care about their food is it a surprise when the viewer has the same sorry attitude? If a chef is charismatic in the right way and brings a love and respect for food, it is easy to become struck with awe and reverence for a carefully crafted dish. All of the Food Network recipes put on air are going to be tasty to someone, but that’s not the point. The point is passion, and whoever has a lot of that is going to have a lot of props from yours truly.

Article Courtesy of the fine folks at Alex’s regular employer – The Badger Herald

www.badgerherald.com (The finest college newspaper in the nation)